“Worry is fretting about the future.  Concern is figuring out future solutions…  Concern leads to results; worry results in losing a good night’s sleep.”

–       John Wooden in The Essential Wooden, co-authored with Steve Jamison

Pat Heston, my mom, was a world-class worrier.  She used to say that even when I was 40, and hadn’t lived at home for 22 years, that she would “know when I got home at night, wherever I lived, because only then could she go to sleep.”  Every time anyone left in a car, she would say, “Watch for deer!”  Her great-grand daughters, my nephew’s kids, still say it, and they barely knew her.

So, worrying can be passed down.  It can be passed on.  It can be passed around.

It can also be stopped.  All it takes is a decision not to worry.  I’ll toss my ol’ buddy, Dr. Tom Graf back in here:

“Most things in life are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong.  Most things just are.”

Worry is like guilt, in that it is a complete waste of time and energy.  It serves neither you nor the people you’re worrying about (granted that’s usually ourselves…) nor the people that you may have offended (in the case of guilt.)  Worrying serves no purpose.  It serves no end.  It serves only to make you miserable.

Concern, on the other hand – now THAT we can get our arms around!

What is it that concerns you?  What future solutions remove the concern?  And, oh, by the way, if no solutions are apparent, or possible, we might want to ask ourselves if we’re just “worrying.”

And if we are, we might want to roll over and go back to sleep.

Just sayin’…

“Circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but the instruments of the wise.”

–        Samuel Lover, novelist and songwriter

One of my favorite quotes is Jefferson’s “…our disappointments are almost always caused by our expectations, and rarely by our circumstances…” and this circumstances quote ties nicely with that theme.

That’s why expectation setting is so important.  If the only thing we get right is setting expectations, most of what follows can’t be too wrong.

Today, and every day, we’ll all face some new or different circumstances.  They will look and feel different, depending on our expectations.  So, the question becomes, how wise are we willing to be in the face of whatever happens next?

“Feel what they feel.  And treat them as you want them to be, not as they are.”

–     Gabe Krajicek, CEO of BancVue

Why all the fuss about questions?  Because, used correctly, they get you in a place to empathize your hiney off.  Used correctly, they allow you to feel what “they” feel.

This coaching advice, even without the context of “questions,” is pretty good, and in the context of “questions,” it’s simply great.

How will we know what “they” feel?  We’ll ask them.  And we’ll listen to their answers with our ears and our eyes and our souls.  And why should we see “them” as we want them to be?  Because life — business, relationships, parenting — is about evolution and outcomes, and until we see, in our mind’s eye, the outcome of the discussion, debate or dialogue, we might miss an opportunity to grow – or help someone else grow.

An associate of mine made a big ol’ presentation on change yesterday.  He nailed it.  He flat nailed it, giving his team hope and understanding and perspective and motivation.  Why?  Because he’d spent months asking them — and himself — questions, and because he leveraged the coaching statement above with his natural ability and passion for the topic.

He felt what they felt.  He saw them as he wanted them to be.  And, whaddya know, one hour later — they were weeks, if not months, advanced along that path.

Empathy?  Sure.  Leadership?  Dang right!  Difference making?  As Verne Lundquist said when Jack Nicklaus made the putt at #16 on Sunday of the ’86 Masters — “Yes SIR!”

“And that’s why they play the games, folks!”

–     Every sportscaster on earth after every upset victory by a severe underdog

Granted, most sportscasters didn’t turn down Rhodes Scholarships to start their careers, but there’s got to be a better way to say it.  It’s maddening, it’s so predictable.

In fairness to the men and women behind the mic — it’s also 100% true.

Watch this video.

It’s a little over nine minutes long, so, at the very least, if you’re all time-constrained and worried about that — watch the first 2:30 and the last 2:30.  (You’ll go back and watch the whole thing afterwards….just sayin’…)

Or, if you don’t have time to watch it today, save this post and watch it the next time you feel kicked in the (insert here the body part that you believe would be the most painful place to get kicked).

“Why am I doing this?”

“Why am I working so hard?”

“Why do I care so much?”

“Why don’t I pack it in, hang it up, throw in the towel, and just quit?”

Because you don’t know the outcome until you run the whole race.  Sometimes, you’re doing it because you believe in something bigger than you, because you care about a team more than you care about yourself.  Sometimes, you’re working that hard because you know there are other people working just as hard — and counting on you to do your share.  Sometimes you care so much because you’ve prepared for this moment — and you owe it to yourself to finish.

THAT’s how you make a difference.

With thanks to Concordia University – Nebraska’s women’s track team – I feel like finishing strong today!

“I wish I had an answer to that, because I’m tired of answering that question.”

–    Yogi Berra

Leave it to Yogi.

Yes, questions are very important, and they can factor in to our answers.  Yep, you read that correctly…

How we answer questions is interesting, too.  We can easily impose pressure on ourselves to answer the question we think they’re asking, or addressing the implication we feel from the question.  Both are detrimental to furthering the relationship, conversation or the business.  Better to answer with a question — to get to the real issue, than to just paint the surface with our best guess.

It’s also amazing how reticent people are to simply say, “I don’t know.”  Culturally, we feel pressure to always know.  It’s completely unrealistic, and it’s probably where any pressure to “interpret” the question comes from, or in sales scenarios it’s the pressure to advance our cause.

There’s something to be said for answering questions with questions.  As long as the “answer questions” are aimed at clarifying the “question question,” it’s really less annoying than you think, and, executed well, it draws the questioner and the answerer closer together.

“That’s a great question.  Why do you ask?” is a really strong “answer.”

So is, “Wow, I’d never thought of it that way, I’m curious, what led you to that perspective?”

Or, try this one; “You know, that’s a really interesting question.  Before I answer, can I ask what YOU think?”

Or, most powerfully of all – in the event you don’t know – “I don’t know.  But I can, and will find out, and get back to you.  When would you like to have the response?”

Answers – and questions – will deepen relationships, if we contemplate them thoroughly, and deeper relationships will make a difference.

“You’ve got to watch for what you don’t want to see and listen for what you don’t want to hear.”

–     John Madden

Perhaps it goes beyond just watching and listening, though.  When we probe, we take a faster path to the truth — or at the very least we get to the facts much more quickly.  While the truth is always our preferred end state, a basis in facts is a decent neighborhood in which to put down roots.  When we are in possession of facts, we make better decisions.  We know where to practice, where to re-focus, where to cut bait and where to hunt big game.

Questioning for what we don’t want to hear gets us to bad news, or potential bad news, much sooner.  And that’s good because bad news does not get better over time.

Too often, though, we don’t really want to know…  A golfing buddy of mine often asks, “Am I the worst putter you’ve ever seen?”  (He is.)  Every time, I reply by saying, “You should never ask a question to which you don’t want to hear the answer.”

I don’t believe that, though.

We must ALWAYS ask questions we might not want to hear the answer to.  We must always look for the body language, the sudden (or gradual) change in behavior or the loss of ability to make eye contact, and we must probe to determine what’s behind them.  Otherwise, we’ll risk complacency and detachment, two “icky” (technical term) conditions.  Otherwise, we’ll risk getting surprised, and there is no such thing as a good surprise!

The more questions we ask, the fewer surprises we encounter!

“I walked out of the clubhouse, and there it was!”

–        Fuzzy Zoeller, in response to the question, “How’d you find the golf course today?”      

I love sports.  I love journalism.  It was, like, my first and third majors in college, I think.  I do not love sports journalism.  Sports journalists are the Kings of Bad Questions.  Bad Questions lead to bad answers, and bad answers lead to bad decisions and, well, you get the point…

Questions are the key to what we do, so we need to ask good questions, and, if you were with us for last week’s posts, you’ll remember the importance of listening to the answers.

Questions are key even when we’re not the ones asking them.  Sometimes we have to help our customers ask better questions.  Sometimes we have to work our way through silly questions to get to the real matter at hand.  Sometimes customers tell us they want something, and we might need to ask “why?”  Sometimes customers tell us they can’t do something, and we need to ask, “Why not?”

If we don’t know “why?” we don’t know much of anything.  If we don’t know “when,” we can’t prioritize.

If you’re in sales, questions are key.  If you’re in delivery, questions are key.  If you’re in a position where you don’t live in a cave and eat bugs without any human contact…..questions are key.

Be inquisitive!  Ask yourself, “How can I make a difference today?”  It’s a pretty good bet that if you start there, you will, in fact, make a difference.

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force.  The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward.  When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.”

–     Unattributed, so I’m taking credit…

Them’re some powerful thoughts, right there.

“Creative force?”  “Unfolding and expanding?”

Powerful, indeed!

If our goal is to draw closer to someone, to help create their new futures and fulfill their needs and wants for their lives, careers and outcomes, listening is a powerful tool.  If our goal is to evolve and change with the times and lead in a meaningful manner, listening creates us.  Each of those pictures – drawing closer to, interacting with a creative force and being, literally unfolded, expanded and created for tomorrow – excite me.

Let’s make it easier for others to move toward us.  Let’s make it easier for us to move toward one other.  Let’s really listen.  Let’s make a difference.

“The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you.  Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say.”

–       Kahlil Gibran, Lebanese- American artist, poet and writer

At least one of you just said, “Listen to what he does NOT say?  Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”

But, Gary Coleman tribute aside, this is what active listening is – getting behind the words and the other stuff.  It’s about getting to intent, and as we often say here at The Heston Group, “intent matters more than content.”

I am drawn to the phrase “what he cannot reveal to you.”  Fear is a powerful motivator, and in these changing times – these rapidly evolving market and social conditions, we have teammates, clients, partners and friends who simply don’t know what to do next – and it scares the stuffing out of them.  What are they afraid of?  They might not be able to tell us.  It doesn’t mean, necessarily that they cannot tell us because they don’t want to, but maybe because they’re afraid to, or they don’t know how to, or simply that they don’t know.  And as hard as it can be to reveal what we don’t know — just because they cannot reveal it doesn’t mean that we can’t discern it.

As listeners, how can we get to the feelings?  How can we get to the fears?  How can we get to the aspirations?  The answers lie in the questions we ask.  Simply stated, the gifts / skill of “listening actively” and “asking great questions” are inextricably linked.  Next week, the DD looks in to “questions…”

Digging in, digging deep and listening intently, not just to the words, but to what the words are not telling us will, over and over again, make a difference.

“That’s just Shirley Gudnis and her daughter, Mercy.  Ya better get used to it…”

–     “Little Billy”

Little Billy was starting school, and was adamant that he wanted to walk the three blocks alone, without his mom tagging along to watch over him.  After all, he had explained, Timmy, his best friend, would be walking with him.

So, his mom agreed, but only after asking a friend of hers, who’d just had a baby, to “coincidentally” take the baby for a walk about the time the boys went to school.  The first two days went just fine, but on the third day, Timmy turned to Billy and said, “Isn’t it kind of weird for that lady to follow us to school each day.”

“Oh, that’s just Shirley Gudnis and her daughter, Mercy,” Billy explained.  “And ya better get used to it, Timmy, ‘cause at church, they always say “Shirley Gudnis and Mercy will follow me all the days of my life.”

Yet, we’re just positive that we know exactly what the customer meant…