“The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say.”
– Kahlil Gibran, Lebanese- American artist, poet and writer
At least one of you just said, “Listen to what he does NOT say? Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”
But, Gary Coleman tribute aside, this is what active listening is – getting behind the words and the other stuff. It’s about getting to intent, and as we often say here at The Heston Group, “intent matters more than content.”
I am drawn to the phrase “what he cannot reveal to you.” Fear is a powerful motivator, and in these changing times – these rapidly evolving market and social conditions, we have teammates, clients, partners and friends who simply don’t know what to do next – and it scares the stuffing out of them. What are they afraid of? They might not be able to tell us. It doesn’t mean, necessarily that they cannot tell us because they don’t want to, but maybe because they’re afraid to, or they don’t know how to, or simply that they don’t know. And as hard as it can be to reveal what we don’t know — just because they cannot reveal it doesn’t mean that we can’t discern it.
As listeners, how can we get to the feelings? How can we get to the fears? How can we get to the aspirations? The answers lie in the questions we ask. Simply stated, the gifts / skill of “listening actively” and “asking great questions” are inextricably linked. Next week, the DD looks in to “questions…”
Digging in, digging deep and listening intently, not just to the words, but to what the words are not telling us will, over and over again, make a difference.
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