“Should is the most dangerous and damning word in the English language.”
– Dr. Tom Graf
When we use the word “should,” we’re assuming much more power than we ever really have. “Should” implies that we know every feeling you’re experiencing (and every experience you’re feeling) and that we somehow have a crystal ball, 8-ball or maybe just the plain ol’ balls to suppose that we know what you “should” do.
All we can ever know is what we would do, or at least we can suppose what we might do. We can pose scenarios that might favor one action over another, or inaction over some action (or vice versa). We can hypothesize, prophesy, preach, prod, predict and / or presume, but we never know what someone else should do.
Difference makers help others decide what they will do.
♦ “Wow, that sounds like quite a dilemma you’re facing. What options are you considering? What do you like most and least about each one?”
♦ “Oh, my, I am so sorry to hear that you’re facing ___________. How can I help? Even if it’s just listening, I’d like to make sure you don’t feel alone on this one…”
♦ “Holy cow! I can envision several different courses of action for this situation, but it’s not me facing the decision, now is it? I’m curious, what are you feeling, or what do your experiences and instincts tell you to do next?”
♦ “Are there people you know who have faced this kind of decision before? Have you had any luck getting insight from them?”
♦ “How can I help?”
Compare those to:
♦ “You should quit.”
♦ “You should have never hired that guy!”
♦ “You should have fired her a long time ago!”
♦ “You should sue him!”
Call to action: Instead of crippling someone by telling them what they should do, instill in them the confidence to decide well, given the freedom to consider what’s best for them to do. Sadly, they’re expecting people to lead with “you should.” They’ve been conditioned to be second guessed or mandated, to not trust the instincts and experiences that will absolutely guide them to whatever they ultimately decide they should do. But it is critical that they decide. It will be easier for them to ask, “What should I do?” and it will be difficult for us not to answer with a “you should” statement.
But we shouldn’t. We mustn’t. Let’s don’t.
Leave a Reply