“You have to dig deep to bury your father.”
– Gypsy Proverb
In the past week, two friends have lost their fathers. It is, simply stated, largely a function of being “our age.” The generation ahead of us moves on, leaving us here.
Upon the birth of his first child nearly 19 years ago, my cousin, Mark Heston said, “The people at the hospital must be crazy to send new babies home with first time parents like us.” (If you have children, you know the feeling.) He also said to me, at his father’s funeral, “Look around, man. There is nobody named Heston left, except for us and our kids.”
Looking back, I am wondering if our fathers must not be at least as crazy as the birth ward people. They’re leaving us in charge? Yikes!
As for the Gypsy Proverb, when we turn our attention to “burying” one can’t help but wonder if that’s the correct verb. “Honoring” feels more right to me. Coming to peace with, accepting, understanding — those all work better than “burying” for difference makers.
Tonight, I packaged up for mailing two copies of the book I’ve been sending to friends who lose their fathers, the members of the fraternity of “Men Who Have Lost Their Dads.” FatherLoss; How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms With the Deaths of Their Dads (Neil Chethik, Hyperion 2001) is a book about perspective. I will now have sent it to over 35 friends. That’s a sobering number, and every time I send it, I remember Dick Heston, and I smile, hoping that I’ve come to terms in a way that honors him — and that makes a difference.
Not in an obsessive “what would Dad think?” sort of way, but rather in the context of a man who now functions knowing that the remainder is about legacies. And if legacies are important to us, man or woman, father, mother, sister or brother — difference making is a bold pursuit indeed.
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