Changing The Conversation

“When I meet you there are six of us.  There is the one I think I am and the one you think you are.  There is the one you think I am and the one I think you are.  And there is the one I really am and the one you really are.”

–     A paraphrase of William James (1842 – 1910), American philosopher and “Father of American Psychology” 

What percent of the time do we get to those last two people?  How often do we get to where we’re being real with one another, where I am the one I am and you are the one you are?

Sorta sad, right?

In order to get there, we have to be willing to change the conversation, and there are two keys to doing so:

The first is to listen with the intent of understanding as opposed to responding.

The second is to ask questions.  And, when we do the second, we revert to the first.  Rinse, repeat, listen, learn, get deeper, get realer.  (“Realer” should be a word, but Grammarly says it ain’t…dang it!)

Why?  Because there’s one thing that matters more than facts and that’s the other person’s perspective.  This is foundational to professional selling, a topic I’ve written and spoken about for most of my career – here’s an example from 2012, part of a week-long series on the topic.

In case you didn’t follow that link — I’ll summarize.  Changing the conversation takes preparation.  If we’re going into a conversation to ask someone to invest a few thousand or a few hundred thousand dollars with us, being prepared is not too much to ask.

Consider these two openers…

“Pat, how long have you owned the business?”

Or,

“Pat, your website says you’re the fourth-generation owner of the business.  Do you think your great-grandfather ever pictured your company being as big and diverse as it is today?  Are your kids interested in becoming the fifth generation?  How will this decision we’re discussing affect your planning for 2022, or even the longer term?” 

Most people expect salespeople to tell.  Why?  Because most salespeople tell.  They tell and tell and tell, hoping desperately that the buyer cares remotely about what they’re telling. (They don’t, by the way…)

When we change the conversation, we learn, appreciate, and understand what the buyer cares about, and we use questions to keep listening and learning, to get deeper.  To get realer.  (There’s that word again!)

Back to William James’ point.  We need to change the conversation so that we can get past who we think the other person is.  So that we can get past who they think we are.  So that all of us can be who we are, to the betterment of one another.