“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
– George Bernard Shaw (1856 – 1950), Irish playwright and influencer of Western culture
“I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
– Classic tee shirt from my youth, loosely attributed to Robert McCloskey (1914 – 2003), American writer and illustrator
So, how do we correct the illusion that communication has taken place? How do we makes sure, absolutely, positively sure that what you heard is what I meant?
We ask. And we listen, intently and actively.
“Did you / does that mean…?”
“Why is that / isn’t that the case…?” “What caused that / prevented that…?”
“How did that feel (for you, for your team, for your boss, for your customers…)…?” (This is a big one!)
“Can you help me understand…?” “What would have to change in order for us to ______?” “Are we on the right track together?”
“What one thing would you / wouldn’t you change…?” “If we only accomplish one thing together, what would you want it to be?”
Regardless of our role we should be asking these and other questions.
The point is, we ask to go deeper, “seeking first to understand.” We ask, because unless we do, the illusion wins out, and the ambiguity grows. Reality and clarity are our friends, while illusion and ambiguity are not.
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